I was born to a family of 8 and had a great time with milk on tap and lots of chat and play.

Then these two huge tall bipeds turned up and took me away. They did cuddle me in the noisy smelly four-wheeled thing on a journey into the unknown.

When I arrived in Sarratt there were three other dogs to get to know and that took me some time. We all had a good sniff, then Pickle made it clear who was boss but I grew bigger and bigger till I could make it clear I was really boss.

Life now seems OK but the fact is that humans are strange. They want to be best friends but they don’t let me sit on the sofa, I can’t jump up onto their clean trousers, I don’t get given treats all the time only at proper meals, they shout at me if I bark and they don’t like me jumping into their smelly cars.

Some days they sleep in for HOURS so I don’t get fed and let out to do the biz at dawn, they don’t take me for a walk except when it suits them and they make me sit in a basket not on their laps.

The fact is that they are weird…………

The female of the species claims to want to take me for a walk but usually meets other females and they spend the time together wandering along – and they NEVER stop talking which means I can’t run around as much as I want.

The males are even worse: they yak away on a little box they put to their ear and when not talking into it they punch buttons; then they say they’re going for a long walk but end up in a noisy room full of other males holding enormous glasses full of some sort of barley/yeast drink.

So – it’s a dog’s life.